Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Becoming A Mother Part 4

There were several events in our life that kind of put the whole "baby making" business on hold; however, once all the dust settled we picked up where we left off and moved to the next step. I was given the hormone shots once again and then scheduled for Intrauterine Insemination or IUI. This procedure was considerably less painful than I expected. I had expected the same pain as I endured with the previous procedure, but was pleasantly surprised when there was none. The waiting game was almost unbearable and yet again we were faced with more disappointment.

At this point my husband and I decided to take a step back and reevaluate our situation. We both decided to stop moving forward with treatments and tests. If God wanted us to have children we would. We left it at that and moved on. We both became busy and involved in our daily life. I was still depressed every month when it became very obvious that I wasn't pregnant. The reality that I would most likely not have a baby was becoming more and more intense, but I continued to keep busy and tried my hardest to put it out of my mind. 

As I look back and remember everything that was going on back then, I think that I tried to stay busy and convince myself that I wasn't upset about not being able to conceive (even though inside I was falling apart) because I didn't want to doubt God. I didn't want to be angry at Him for choosing a different path for me. I knew I needed to let go and put my faith in him, I just didn't know how to let go, nor did I want to. I wanted control over my life, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

Looking back now, I can see clearly what was wrong with the whole situation, me. I wasn't doing anything except feeling sorry for myself. I wanted control, but at the same time I wanted God to help us. My faith was "supposed" to be in Him and yet I didn't pray. I pleaded but didn't truly pray nor did I thank Him for all that I did have in my life.

Several months passed and I got the call that my niece was born. I was SO excited and couldn't wait to meet her. The instant I met my sweet little niece I couldn't believe how tiny and perfect she was, I loved her instantly! My thoughts then went to the day my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant, I was so upset at myself for feeling so upset and jealous. My niece was such a blessing to my sister and to our family, but I had not even seen it that way at first. Where did this selfish person come from? I didn't like that person very much and decided that if I couldn't have a baby of my own, I sure could be the best Aunt ever!

If you missed the previous parts of this series, you can read them by clicking here:
Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3

Then, Move on to Part 5!

Have a wonderful night dear followers!


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