This time of year is very confusing for me. I'm not sure how I should feel and no matter what I feel, I always feel like it is wrong. My son was born this time of year and I love seeing him grow and love celebrating him. At the same time, my nephew was also born this time of year and that makes me extremely sad. Sad because my sister doesn't get to see him grow or celebrate with him each year. He was struck by a car and killed 3 years ago when he was walking home from summer school, at just 8 years old. I never want to get a phone call like that again, to hurry to the hospital because... It wasn't good. 

Children aren't supposed to die.

I remember trying to get to the hospital as fast as I could, probably going faster than I should on the backroads. I called my Dad. I was a little frantic, not knowing what exactly happened, if he was going to be ok, what to do if he wasn't ok. Thankfully, my Dad had the piece of mind to keep a calm voice and just said to "Be there for your sister." My nephew had already passed by the time I got there. I almost regret going in to see him, but I felt like my sister needed me there. The vision of him beat up, laying lifeless is permanently ingrained in my mind. The memory of my sister holding his delicate little hand is almost unbearable to have floating around in my memory bank and even now describing it, churns my insides and instantly brings tears to my eyes. And not just a single tear, flowing tears, the kind that are relentless and just don't stop.

I honestly don't know how my sister copes. I use the word cope because you just don't "get over" or "forget" a death like that.  I don't know how she gets out of bed each day. I'm am absolutely sure there are days when it is particularly harder for her to to do so, but the fact that she does and continues to do so like a Champion ever day makes her the strongest person I have ever known in my life.

The sad reality that my nephew is not the first nor will he be the last child to die is absolutely excruciating to think about. 

Maybe one day I will write more about that day, but for today, this is all I can manage. 

Hug your loved ones extra tight each night dear followers,

 So, back to our little critters for a brief moment. After Pyrite and Patron came home I became totally obsessed with Degu and finding some blue Degus. I was on facebook one day and came across a post from an individual that had a few litters unexpectedly and several were blue in color! I contacted the owner and he had a male and a female he believed would be perfect. The catch? They were all the way in Iowa and we would have to pick them up. I wasn't sure if my husband would go for it but I asked him if he would consider taking a road trip with me to pick up the two blues. His face actually lit up, he said that we could only go to Iowa to get them if we could stop at The Field of Dreams in Dyersville, Iowa. 

DEAL!

We decide to turn our road trip into a mini vacation, rented a van, and took Koda and the oldest 4 kids with us. Before our deal was made, I had NO idea that there was a REAL Field of Dreams, I had seen the movie several times as a child but never knew that the place still existed. I was curious to see an actual place from a movie, myself.

The Field of Dreams was our first stop, before we picked up the Degus. It was a great place to visit and I actually had tears in my eyes watching from the bleachers as my husband and his oldest son threw a baseball back and forth from the pitcher's mount to home plate. It was just perfect. The site also had a nice giftshop as well as a tour you could take through the house that was part of the movie set. My husband and the kids went through the tour while I hung out with Koda outside. Across the field you could see construction in the background, they were in the process of building more fields and planned on hosting a Major League Baseball game in the future. Since our visit, those fields were complete and they did in fact host a game between the Chicago White Sox and New York Yankees on August 12, 2021. 

We had to travel a bit further into Iowa to pick up the Degus. When we met with the owner we all became instant friends and it was just such a pleasure to meet him and his family. The little Degus were exactly what I was looking for and I couldn't get over how tiny they seemed. They were the youngest Degus we had bought to date, old enough to be weaned from their mother but still so tiny. We briefly lost the male in the car at one of our stops, one of the kids left the door to their travel cage loose. Thank goodness they were both friendly, he was easy to find and easy to catch eventually. 

When we finally arrived home, we decided to think of names for our new babies. We settled on Rosemary for the female and Pepper for the male, keeping up with the R names for our females and P names for our males.

Rosemary was always the more skittish of the two and still is. She isn't afraid of people, she just prefers to be seen and now touched. She isn't mean and is not a biter, she just tends to be a little more work to catch if you want to take her out of the cage. When she arrived home she and Pepper were so small that they escaped their cages a few times. We aren't sure if Rosemary was left with males too long when she was with her previous owner or if her escape here was the culprit, but a few months after her arrival, she had a litter of 3 pups. I'll get to that story at another time.

Pepper is another of our very friendly males. He doesn't mind being out of his cage and held at all, he is just weird about trying to figure our how to climb into our hands. You kind of just have to grab him and then he is content with being in your hand. He is very chill and I believe our most "Go with the Flow" Degus. He and Patron currently share a cage together and get along famously.

I hope you have a fabulous day dear followers!

My sweet Lil Man is FIVE months old today! How did that happen? I don't know if it is because he is my last baby and I am trying to savor every moment of him being a baby or what but is seems like time is just FLYING. It seems like EVERYDAY he does something new, it is wild! With the girls I just don't remember them growing SO fast. Lil Man is Five months old and has mastered rolling. WHAT? Yes, rolling, which means I am in SO much trouble soon. After rolling comes crawling and after crawling comes WALKING! What am I going to do? I imagine he is going to be a lot like Little Sister and walk at an early age, he adores his Sisters and I just know he is itching to follow them around and join in on all their fun. I'm not going to lie though, I would be more than happy if he decides to wait as long as Big Sis did to walk. She was 13 months old before she took her first steps.

Oh the joys of being a MOM!

What are your little ones up to these days? Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear your stories!

Have a blessed day dear followers,

Yes! My Cize and Shakeology Challenge Pack showed up just in time for me to start my fitness journey on January 1st! The Pack came on Dec. 31st and I was headed over to visit my Mom when I noticed the box on the porch. I decided to take it with me and check it out when I got there. When I arrived, I decided to pop in the first Cize dvd to see just what I got myself into. The first workout wasn't too bad, really easy pace, moves were demonstrated and explained well, and they gave you plenty of time to get the hang of it before moving on to the next move. My mom even liked it, she wants to schedule a day or two to dance.... I mean Cize, with me ;) So, to me, this is a winner!

I'm also so excited my mom got us a blender for Christmas because it made making the Shakeology shakes a piece of cake and yummy! I've been playing with it for the past three days.

Jan 1
I started out making a Strawberry Lemonade shake... Added Lemon Juice, a bit of Honey, Water, and Ice to my Strawberry Shakeology mix. To be completely honest, it wasn't great. I think I added too much water and ice, it watered it down and didn't taste that great, however it wasn't horrible and I drank the whole thing. To my surprise, I felt awesome. I had more energy than I've had in a long time. I took down our Christmas tree amd Christmas decorations, cleaned, reorganized, and vaccumed the living room with tons of energy to spare.

Jan 2
I decided to skip the ice and cut up and froze a banana and some blueberries instead. I added those to my water and Strawberry Shakeology mix and it turned out rather tasty. The shake was thick and creamy and delicious! I also had even more energy than the first day. I decided I wanted to move the girls' bedroom into the playroom, move our room into the girls' room, and move the playroom into our old room. I got everything done except vaccuming our old room and moving the girls' toys into it done.

Jan 3 TODAY
Since I mastered the Strawberry shake combo I changed it up and went with Vanilla Shakeology mix, water, and a cut up and frozen banana. Amazing! I think I'm going to like having shakes for breakfast now! This new found energy is great, I woke up refreshed this AM and got out of bed easily. After church I was able to finish the remaining movement and cleaning to transistion  our old room into the playroom.

I probably could have done more, with all the extra energy I had but decided to hang out and spend time with the girls before Big Sister has to go to school tomorrow.

Have a blessed Sunday dear followers!

This past week was rough, not for me but for Big Sister. I got word Wednesday that their grandmother, my late husband's mother, had passed away. She is in school now, 1st grade, and I was unsure how she would take the news so I waited to tell her until Friday after school. I knew she would be upset, but I don't think I was ready for questions and her fears.

Let's rewind for some back story... When Little Sister was born, my mother-in-law had moved in to help with Big Sister while I adjusted to the new baby. She actually was there a couple months earlier because I had been put on bed rest. Even though it wasn't the plan to begin with, she ended up staying for a year. Big Sister got very attached to her and even after she moved back to her apartment, almost 3 hours away, the girls loved to visit and were always sad to leave when we had to return home. After my husband passed, she was diagnosed with cancer. She went through Chemo and beat it, however she during that time she also suffered from a busted ear drum. I can't even begin to imagine have to live in a state of constant dizziness. She went through Physical Therapy and did very well, at one point she was even back to driving again. She had a scare where they thought her cancer was back, but it wasn't, however she busted the other ear drum and was back to square one with the dizziness and Physical Therapy again. She was placed in a Nursing Home to go through through Physical Therapy again. This brings us up to recently. The girls went to visit her while she was in the nursing home, unfortunately while there she had difficulty breathing and was taken to the hospital. The girls were traumatized and Big Sister even asked her if she was going to die. They were able to visit her in the hospital when she was stable and doing much better. It reassured them a bit, but they were still upset to leave her.

Well, she got pneumonia and went down hill in the hospital. Next thing I hear is she wasn't going to make it through the day and then the call came in she had passed. I decided to tell the girls separately so that I could be able to comfort them completely without having to divide my attention between the two. Big Sister was the first to be told the news.  I began by telling her that her grandmother had done worse in the hospital and before I could even get the words out Big Sister asked if she was dead. I desperately wanted to say no but I couldn't lie, but I had to pause for a minute before I said yes. She cried and cried. Once I calmed her, it was time to tell Little Sister. I was surprised when I got absolutely no reaction from her. I don't know if she just doesn't know how to process death, her sister was 4 years old when their father passed and had emotions toward that but here she was 4 years old and nothing.

We went to the viewing and again Big Sister was just completely in tears. She didn't want to leave the casket. She kept saying "I didn't want this to happen" and "I will miss her." I was also very shocked at how curious she was about it, asking why she was cold and hard. Its like she was trying to figure out the difference between someone being alive and someone being dead. And then she asked me if I was going to die. I try really really hard not to lie or even tell a half truth when they ask the tough questions. I told her yes, one day I will, hopefully when I am very very old. She asked if she was going to die, again I gave her a similar response and explained that eventually everyone dies when God decides it is their time to go home to him. She has asked me several times more after the viewing if I am going to die, each time I hate to tell her yes but I give her the same answer. Little Sister, on the other hand, had no response to her grandmother. Not one tear, reaction, or questions. She seemed to just accept it or maybe she just hasn't processed it yet.

This morning going to school I sent a letter with her for her teacher. I don't really know how well she has processed everything and I don't know how it will affect her while she is away from me. I have heard about children having behavior issues, or bowel issues when going through a loss so I wanted her teacher to be prepared for anything. I do expect her to be emotional sometimes, she has such a big heart and just LOVES everyone. I always tell people she is so special and how I wish I was more like her. I am pretty sure that God gave her to me more so I could learn from her and not so much for her to learn from me.

Well, it is about that time. Time for Big Sis to get off the bus. This is where I must leave you for now. Hopefully, I can continue to write on a more regular basis. Until then, please stick with me dear followers!

December is supposed to be a month of celebration, celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus and being Thankful for His Love and Salvation through Him. My birthday is also in December as well, which is always exciting. Instead of a month of celebration, I was thrown a huge curve ball. Nothing could have prepared me for this tragedy.

My husband had a heart attack and he died.

Yes, you read that correctly, he died. I am still in disbelief and each day I still expect for him to walk through the door, like he is coming home from work. Each night I realize my new reality, the reality that he is gone and won't be coming back.

Our daughters are 4 years old and 2 years old. The 2 year old has absolutely no concept of death and the fact that her Daddy died, she still looks for him and asks when he is coming home. I am sure this will last for a long while. My 4 year old doesn't really understand death but she does understand that Daddy can't come back. It is so hard to watch her each time she forgets and I have to remind her he is gone. Her eyes sadden, a frown covers her sweet smile, and then she cries. I tell her she is okay and that its okay to be sad because we miss him. She calms easily and then goes on playing.

At first I wondered how I could live without him. He was my best friend and my whole world. Then I wondered why. Why did this have to happen to him, to us, to our girls?

It's just not fair.

Who is a widow at 28 (well 29 now)?

I didn't eat for several days after he died. I didn't feel hungry and when I did eat, food tasted horrible. I am guessing it was some sort of side effect from shock. I immediately went into survival mode, trying to get a handle on accounting, when bills were due, ect. Since my husband took care of all this, it has been a new experience for me but not impossible to handle. My husband had told me time and time again that "even though bad things happen you have to continue taking care of your responsibilities." I guess he had learned this the hard way when his father passed years ago, so he always made sure this was ingrained in my head.

My husband was a brilliant man, I'm not saying it because he was my husband, he really was brilliant. As each day passes I remember things he taught me and I feel comforted, but at the same time, as each day passes I also realize just how much I tuned him out on certain things, things I wish I had paid more attention to while he was still here. I always thought we would have many many many years together, I never grasped the concept that time is short and every word spoken is SO important.

Daddy and Big Sister

I've been looking to God for a lot of guidance lately and sadly I have been in my Bible more than ever, since my husband passed. I regret this greatly because I think our marriage and our life would have been enriched so much more had I sought God's guidance more often. I do realize that I can not change the past, but I have committed myself to improving in the future. My daughter's deserve a mother who is actively and wholeheartedly seeking God.

My home was busy all of December. Until this tragedy hit, I never really had a grasp for how much love and support I really have in life. Our families and friends are awesome and have been here every step of the way to fill in the gaps when needed or just to be here for the girls and I. I am still in awe of the outpouring help, its just been amazing.

Daddy and Little Sister

Everyone keeps telling me to take one day at a time, and I am trying, but I can't help looking at the big picture and trying to prepare for the future. Every day is a challenge, it is hard, and I'm not going to lie, it has been a pain, especially around the farm. Since the funeral, it seems like something breaks or goes wrong EVERY single day. But every day there is SOMETHING that goes oh so right, and I just bask in the good moments and soak them up.

 So, please be patient with me dear followers while I figure out this new life, a life without my love, but a life that I am driven to do so much more with.



Have a wonderful night dear followers,