This time of year is very confusing for me. I'm not sure how I should feel and no matter what I feel, I always feel like it is wrong. My son was born this time of year and I love seeing him grow and love celebrating him. At the same time, my nephew was also born this time of year and that makes me extremely sad. Sad because my sister doesn't get to see him grow or celebrate with him each year. He was struck by a car and killed 3 years ago when he was walking home from summer school, at just 8 years old. I never want to get a phone call like that again, to hurry to the hospital because... It wasn't good. 

Children aren't supposed to die.

I remember trying to get to the hospital as fast as I could, probably going faster than I should on the backroads. I called my Dad. I was a little frantic, not knowing what exactly happened, if he was going to be ok, what to do if he wasn't ok. Thankfully, my Dad had the piece of mind to keep a calm voice and just said to "Be there for your sister." My nephew had already passed by the time I got there. I almost regret going in to see him, but I felt like my sister needed me there. The vision of him beat up, laying lifeless is permanently ingrained in my mind. The memory of my sister holding his delicate little hand is almost unbearable to have floating around in my memory bank and even now describing it, churns my insides and instantly brings tears to my eyes. And not just a single tear, flowing tears, the kind that are relentless and just don't stop.

I honestly don't know how my sister copes. I use the word cope because you just don't "get over" or "forget" a death like that.  I don't know how she gets out of bed each day. I'm am absolutely sure there are days when it is particularly harder for her to to do so, but the fact that she does and continues to do so like a Champion ever day makes her the strongest person I have ever known in my life.

The sad reality that my nephew is not the first nor will he be the last child to die is absolutely excruciating to think about. 

Maybe one day I will write more about that day, but for today, this is all I can manage. 

Hug your loved ones extra tight each night dear followers,

This past week was rough, not for me but for Big Sister. I got word Wednesday that their grandmother, my late husband's mother, had passed away. She is in school now, 1st grade, and I was unsure how she would take the news so I waited to tell her until Friday after school. I knew she would be upset, but I don't think I was ready for questions and her fears.

Let's rewind for some back story... When Little Sister was born, my mother-in-law had moved in to help with Big Sister while I adjusted to the new baby. She actually was there a couple months earlier because I had been put on bed rest. Even though it wasn't the plan to begin with, she ended up staying for a year. Big Sister got very attached to her and even after she moved back to her apartment, almost 3 hours away, the girls loved to visit and were always sad to leave when we had to return home. After my husband passed, she was diagnosed with cancer. She went through Chemo and beat it, however she during that time she also suffered from a busted ear drum. I can't even begin to imagine have to live in a state of constant dizziness. She went through Physical Therapy and did very well, at one point she was even back to driving again. She had a scare where they thought her cancer was back, but it wasn't, however she busted the other ear drum and was back to square one with the dizziness and Physical Therapy again. She was placed in a Nursing Home to go through through Physical Therapy again. This brings us up to recently. The girls went to visit her while she was in the nursing home, unfortunately while there she had difficulty breathing and was taken to the hospital. The girls were traumatized and Big Sister even asked her if she was going to die. They were able to visit her in the hospital when she was stable and doing much better. It reassured them a bit, but they were still upset to leave her.

Well, she got pneumonia and went down hill in the hospital. Next thing I hear is she wasn't going to make it through the day and then the call came in she had passed. I decided to tell the girls separately so that I could be able to comfort them completely without having to divide my attention between the two. Big Sister was the first to be told the news.  I began by telling her that her grandmother had done worse in the hospital and before I could even get the words out Big Sister asked if she was dead. I desperately wanted to say no but I couldn't lie, but I had to pause for a minute before I said yes. She cried and cried. Once I calmed her, it was time to tell Little Sister. I was surprised when I got absolutely no reaction from her. I don't know if she just doesn't know how to process death, her sister was 4 years old when their father passed and had emotions toward that but here she was 4 years old and nothing.

We went to the viewing and again Big Sister was just completely in tears. She didn't want to leave the casket. She kept saying "I didn't want this to happen" and "I will miss her." I was also very shocked at how curious she was about it, asking why she was cold and hard. Its like she was trying to figure out the difference between someone being alive and someone being dead. And then she asked me if I was going to die. I try really really hard not to lie or even tell a half truth when they ask the tough questions. I told her yes, one day I will, hopefully when I am very very old. She asked if she was going to die, again I gave her a similar response and explained that eventually everyone dies when God decides it is their time to go home to him. She has asked me several times more after the viewing if I am going to die, each time I hate to tell her yes but I give her the same answer. Little Sister, on the other hand, had no response to her grandmother. Not one tear, reaction, or questions. She seemed to just accept it or maybe she just hasn't processed it yet.

This morning going to school I sent a letter with her for her teacher. I don't really know how well she has processed everything and I don't know how it will affect her while she is away from me. I have heard about children having behavior issues, or bowel issues when going through a loss so I wanted her teacher to be prepared for anything. I do expect her to be emotional sometimes, she has such a big heart and just LOVES everyone. I always tell people she is so special and how I wish I was more like her. I am pretty sure that God gave her to me more so I could learn from her and not so much for her to learn from me.

Well, it is about that time. Time for Big Sis to get off the bus. This is where I must leave you for now. Hopefully, I can continue to write on a more regular basis. Until then, please stick with me dear followers!

Well, it has been a sad couple of weeks around the farm.

We lost one of our Miniature horses, Prayer, a couple weeks ago. He died naturally, just laid down and passed. He was the smallest of our Pint Sized Posse and the sweetest as well. He was always willing to do anything you asked, no matter how silly. He also LOVED pulling his cart, he loved having a job and it gave him a purpose.

Then, yesterday, my husband called me on his way to work and told me my Peacock had been hit by a car. I got up immediately and went out. He was in rigor and had been hit sometime early in the morning. Our farm help came down to the house and helped me bury him next to the woods in our back yard. I sure will miss him. He was becoming part of the family and I thoroughly enjoyed him hanging around the backyard and herding my ducks and geese. I am sad that he is gone, but I don't regret letting him free range, he was the happiest he had ever been with me and I am so glad that he was able to have that!


They say these things come in THREES, but I hope not. I really don't want to loose another animal this month. I guess it is just a reminder that life is short and we should appreciate every minute we have!

Have a wonderful night dear followers!