Thursday, January 02, 2014

A Terrible Loss

December is supposed to be a month of celebration, celebrating the birth of our Lord Jesus and being Thankful for His Love and Salvation through Him. My birthday is also in December as well, which is always exciting. Instead of a month of celebration, I was thrown a huge curve ball. Nothing could have prepared me for this tragedy.

My husband had a heart attack and he died.

Yes, you read that correctly, he died. I am still in disbelief and each day I still expect for him to walk through the door, like he is coming home from work. Each night I realize my new reality, the reality that he is gone and won't be coming back.

Our daughters are 4 years old and 2 years old. The 2 year old has absolutely no concept of death and the fact that her Daddy died, she still looks for him and asks when he is coming home. I am sure this will last for a long while. My 4 year old doesn't really understand death but she does understand that Daddy can't come back. It is so hard to watch her each time she forgets and I have to remind her he is gone. Her eyes sadden, a frown covers her sweet smile, and then she cries. I tell her she is okay and that its okay to be sad because we miss him. She calms easily and then goes on playing.

At first I wondered how I could live without him. He was my best friend and my whole world. Then I wondered why. Why did this have to happen to him, to us, to our girls?

It's just not fair.

Who is a widow at 28 (well 29 now)?

I didn't eat for several days after he died. I didn't feel hungry and when I did eat, food tasted horrible. I am guessing it was some sort of side effect from shock. I immediately went into survival mode, trying to get a handle on accounting, when bills were due, ect. Since my husband took care of all this, it has been a new experience for me but not impossible to handle. My husband had told me time and time again that "even though bad things happen you have to continue taking care of your responsibilities." I guess he had learned this the hard way when his father passed years ago, so he always made sure this was ingrained in my head.

My husband was a brilliant man, I'm not saying it because he was my husband, he really was brilliant. As each day passes I remember things he taught me and I feel comforted, but at the same time, as each day passes I also realize just how much I tuned him out on certain things, things I wish I had paid more attention to while he was still here. I always thought we would have many many many years together, I never grasped the concept that time is short and every word spoken is SO important.

Daddy and Big Sister
I've been looking to God for a lot of guidance lately and sadly I have been in my Bible more than ever, since my husband passed. I regret this greatly because I think our marriage and our life would have been enriched so much more had I sought God's guidance more often. I do realize that I can not change the past, but I have committed myself to improving in the future. My daughter's deserve a mother who is actively and wholeheartedly seeking God.

My home was busy all of December. Until this tragedy hit, I never really had a grasp for how much love and support I really have in life. Our families and friends are awesome and have been here every step of the way to fill in the gaps when needed or just to be here for the girls and I. I am still in awe of the outpouring help, its just been amazing.

Daddy and Little Sister
Everyone keeps telling me to take one day at a time, and I am trying, but I can't help looking at the big picture and trying to prepare for the future. Every day is a challenge, it is hard, and I'm not going to lie, it has been a pain, especially around the farm. Since the funeral, it seems like something breaks or goes wrong EVERY single day. But every day there is SOMETHING that goes oh so right, and I just bask in the good moments and soak them up.

 So, please be patient with me dear followers while I figure out this new life, a life without my love, but a life that I am driven to do so much more with.



Have a wonderful night dear followers,


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