This past week was rough, not for me but for Big Sister. I got word Wednesday that their grandmother, my late husband's mother, had passed away. She is in school now, 1st grade, and I was unsure how she would take the news so I waited to tell her until Friday after school. I knew she would be upset, but I don't think I was ready for questions and her fears.

Let's rewind for some back story... When Little Sister was born, my mother-in-law had moved in to help with Big Sister while I adjusted to the new baby. She actually was there a couple months earlier because I had been put on bed rest. Even though it wasn't the plan to begin with, she ended up staying for a year. Big Sister got very attached to her and even after she moved back to her apartment, almost 3 hours away, the girls loved to visit and were always sad to leave when we had to return home. After my husband passed, she was diagnosed with cancer. She went through Chemo and beat it, however she during that time she also suffered from a busted ear drum. I can't even begin to imagine have to live in a state of constant dizziness. She went through Physical Therapy and did very well, at one point she was even back to driving again. She had a scare where they thought her cancer was back, but it wasn't, however she busted the other ear drum and was back to square one with the dizziness and Physical Therapy again. She was placed in a Nursing Home to go through through Physical Therapy again. This brings us up to recently. The girls went to visit her while she was in the nursing home, unfortunately while there she had difficulty breathing and was taken to the hospital. The girls were traumatized and Big Sister even asked her if she was going to die. They were able to visit her in the hospital when she was stable and doing much better. It reassured them a bit, but they were still upset to leave her.

Well, she got pneumonia and went down hill in the hospital. Next thing I hear is she wasn't going to make it through the day and then the call came in she had passed. I decided to tell the girls separately so that I could be able to comfort them completely without having to divide my attention between the two. Big Sister was the first to be told the news.  I began by telling her that her grandmother had done worse in the hospital and before I could even get the words out Big Sister asked if she was dead. I desperately wanted to say no but I couldn't lie, but I had to pause for a minute before I said yes. She cried and cried. Once I calmed her, it was time to tell Little Sister. I was surprised when I got absolutely no reaction from her. I don't know if she just doesn't know how to process death, her sister was 4 years old when their father passed and had emotions toward that but here she was 4 years old and nothing.

We went to the viewing and again Big Sister was just completely in tears. She didn't want to leave the casket. She kept saying "I didn't want this to happen" and "I will miss her." I was also very shocked at how curious she was about it, asking why she was cold and hard. Its like she was trying to figure out the difference between someone being alive and someone being dead. And then she asked me if I was going to die. I try really really hard not to lie or even tell a half truth when they ask the tough questions. I told her yes, one day I will, hopefully when I am very very old. She asked if she was going to die, again I gave her a similar response and explained that eventually everyone dies when God decides it is their time to go home to him. She has asked me several times more after the viewing if I am going to die, each time I hate to tell her yes but I give her the same answer. Little Sister, on the other hand, had no response to her grandmother. Not one tear, reaction, or questions. She seemed to just accept it or maybe she just hasn't processed it yet.

This morning going to school I sent a letter with her for her teacher. I don't really know how well she has processed everything and I don't know how it will affect her while she is away from me. I have heard about children having behavior issues, or bowel issues when going through a loss so I wanted her teacher to be prepared for anything. I do expect her to be emotional sometimes, she has such a big heart and just LOVES everyone. I always tell people she is so special and how I wish I was more like her. I am pretty sure that God gave her to me more so I could learn from her and not so much for her to learn from me.

Well, it is about that time. Time for Big Sis to get off the bus. This is where I must leave you for now. Hopefully, I can continue to write on a more regular basis. Until then, please stick with me dear followers!

I am not going to lie... being a Mom is not exactly what I thought it was going to be. I guess I should have listened when I was younger. It really is harder than everyone thinks it is, except Moms, they already know. I struggle a lot with lack of independence. I was fairly independent growing up, I had a small group of friends that I hung out with every so often, but for the most part I was content doing things I liked to do, when I wanted, whether someone was there doing it with me or not.

The transition from that to Motherhood had been challenging. I have days where I seriously consider locking myself in my room and letting the girls have their way with the house so I can just be me. But, I am more responsible than that. There are days where I just don't want to be touched anymore, and when I get jumped on for the thousandth time that day or another elbow to my boob, I want to scream! But, I don't.

Then there are times like now. The girls are happy and content, playing together with a hose in the backyard. The smiles on their faces and the sweetness of their laughter just takes me away to someplace I never knew before I became a Mom. They don't have a care in the world, and it makes me feel good.

I know God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but sometimes I seriously doubt my abilities at this whole "Mom" thing. I am guessing I am not alone. All I can do is pray that God leads me in  the way He wants me to go, for my daughters, and hope I don't screw them up too bad  if I take a wrong turn now and again.

There is a wonderful verse in the Bible, that helps me get through just about anything that gets tossed my way. I may have posted this before, but I will do it again, and again because it is just that awesome. It is from Philippians 4:13 "For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

I have to believe that being a Mom is what God wanted for me and that because He wanted it, I can do anything and get through anything that challenges me as a Mom.

So there you have it. My revelation of the day! Aren't you glad you stopped by?

What are your biggest challenges as a Mom or a parent?

Have a wonderful day dear followers,

We were in Menards looking at Corner Showers for our Master Bathroom one Sunday. We happen to pass by a toilet with a bidet attached to the top. My husband admired it for a moment and then we moved on. Big Sister was walking with us and without missing a beat started pulling down her pants and said "I have to go potty." My husband and I turned around,  looked at each other, then ran and reached for Big Sister as panic ran through our veins. We got to her before she sat down and christened Menard's display, but boy was my adrenaline pumping. I had seen things like this on TV and in movies, but never expected for it to happen to me! Thank God we caught her when we did because I had NO idea what we would have done if we hadn't. I guess this just goes to show how unpredictable children can be and it will give us a nice story to embarrass her with when she is older!

Anyone have a similar experience with your child? Did you catch them in time? If not, WHAT did you do?

Have a Blessed day dear followers!

 I have been searching for different ways to organize my world a little better. I've started a Home Organization Binder (I will give you more details later) and it came in handy this past weekend. I had set up meal plans and the girls' schedule were laid out while I was away for a Women's Church Retreat. Daddy didn't have to guess which food to feed the girls while I was gone which meant less stress for everyone.

I had also found a photo on Pinterest that suggested packing your kid's outfits in individual baggies for vacation trips, so you can just grab and go and not have to search out outfits in a suitcase. I wish I could remember where that photo came from, however, I just remember the concept. Well, I applied that concept to help my husband while I was gone. Since I normally make sure the girls are dressed, my husband is not super familiar where I keep the girls' clothes and which closes go to which girl. So, I decided to make life MUCH easier by setting up separate labeled baggies with outfits for each day, P.J.s, as well as an "extra" outfit in case they got dirty.
This plan worked out PERFECT! Less stress on Daddy AND the girls were clothed comfortably and matching the entire time I was gone. From now on I will ONLY use this method to pack for the girls, it worked out so well! Totally GENIUS!

Hope you all have a wonderful week dear followers!

I would like to give a Happy Mother's Day shout out to all the AWESOME Moms out there! I have met so many GREAT mothers and individuals through my blog! You are all truly amazing and I am so glad to have met you!



I have a special Mother's Day announcements as well! The Mother's Day Cloth Diaper Giveaway is OVER and I have the THREE lucky winners of the Giveaway!


Please keep coming back, I have more giveaways coming up and I LOVED doing this blog hop SO much I am planning to do it again and again!

Have a WONDERFUL Mother's Day dear followers,

With "Easter" here, I am both pleased to be able to serve a Mighty God who gave his only Son for my sins and both saddened by the thought that so many don't know Him. I grew up with Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but I was also aware of the real "Reason for the Season," thanks to my mother who took us to church and never gave me a reason to doubt that there was a God.

Today, I'm not sure how many generations younger than I actually know why we really celebrate these holidays. They are very much commercialized and parents don't seem to talk to their kids about God and Jesus as much as they used to. I don't know why, I'm guessing they don't know how, aren't sure about the facts themselves, or just really don't care. To me these holidays are serious and very precious. In our home we have decided not to invite Santa and the Easter Bunny in to share in our celebration. Some people think, "Oh your poor kids" or that we are "Taking away a part of childhood" but I don't think that is true. Many times kids put Jesus in the same category as Santa and the Easter Bunny and guess what happens when they finally find out that Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real? They start to wonder what else you have made up and they start to doubt their belief in God and Jesus. The world tries to give people so many reasons to doubt, I don't want to hand out reasons for my girls to doubt the existence of God and Jesus. I want my girls to trust me to tell them the truth and to be honest with them. I know at times I will fail miserably because I am human, but I pray that the times I fail will not permanently damage them in the long run.

Around this time of year Moms around the country are starting their "Spring Cleaning." Most of the time when I think of Spring Cleaning I think of heavy vacuuming/mopping, intense window cleaning, cleaning out closets and putting away winter clothes. One thing I hadn't thought of until recently was cleaning out our medicine cabinet.

Last night I opened out medicine cabinet and it was in total disarray. There were items everywhere and they were in no particular order or in any form of organization. I felt the need to fix it and decided to add it to my "To Do List" for Spring Cleaning. As I pulled bottles and boxes of medication out of the cabinet I couldn't help notice how many items were expired. About 2/3 of everything we had were expired and I hate to admit this but the oldest had expired in 2008. I threw away everything from prescriptions to over the counter medications like Caladryl.

I realized that we had most likely taken some of the expired medications in the past and decided to look up possible effects. I found an interesting article on Helium.com that described the dangers of taking expired medications, you can check it out here. I also found an interesting article on the Harvard website, that gave some interesting information as well, which can be found here.

Based on the information I read from the Helium.com article and the Harvard article, I've decided to keep the "Medicine Cabinet" on my PERMANENT Spring Cleaning "To Do List"! I know that most of the medications were probably still okay, especially the ones that just recently expired, but why risk my family's health if they weren't? Better to be safe than sorry!

What items are on your Spring Cleaning "To Do List"?

After my niece was born, I was at the stage where I kind of gave up having a baby. I tried to find things to replace the baby I couldn't have. I decided to raise chickens and ducks. I got a puppy, our farm dog was old, we weren't sure how much longer he was going to live and we desperately needed to have a dog in place to follow his footsteps. I later bought a couple calves to raise for freezer beef. I got them as young as possible so that I could bottle feed them and take care of them like a mother. At the time I didn't realize I what I was doing, but now it seems to obvious. I was so proud of my "babies" and worked hard to make them the best they could be.

Late Spring, Early Summer of 2008 I was surprised when my period was a couple days late. I took another pregnancy test thinking "whats the point" but I got a faint positive line. Was I pregnant? We waited a couple more days and I took another one, negative.  I don't know whether or not I had been pregnant but the egg didn't "stick" or if I had bought a faulty test. I didn't really care, it gave me hope. Hope that a having a baby was still possible for me.

In the fall,  I got sick and had to go to the ER for fluids. I went through a couple rounds of medication and it seemed to fix me right up. I didn't jump back into my busy world like I usually did, but instead took it slow. 

Around mid October 2008 my period was late again. My husband I had ran to the grocery store and while out picked up a test. He couldn't even wait for the groceries to be brought in, he made me rush and take the test. I  took the test and set in on the counter. I looked away, hoping not to "jinx" it. I stood over the counter and looked at the test. It was a very strong positive! I was in shock, was it true? Was I pregnant? I went outside to help my husband, who had started bringing in the groceries. He stopped and looked at me. I smiled and said "I'm pregnant."  I think he almost passed out, and he sat on the ground against the tires of the truck to take it all in. When he got himself together he got up and we hugged. God had answered our prayers, we were going to parents.

Missed the beginning of the series?
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

Thanks for reading dear followers! Have a great night!

There were several events in our life that kind of put the whole "baby making" business on hold; however, once all the dust settled we picked up where we left off and moved to the next step. I was given the hormone shots once again and then scheduled for Intrauterine Insemination or IUI. This procedure was considerably less painful than I expected. I had expected the same pain as I endured with the previous procedure, but was pleasantly surprised when there was none. The waiting game was almost unbearable and yet again we were faced with more disappointment.

At this point my husband and I decided to take a step back and reevaluate our situation. We both decided to stop moving forward with treatments and tests. If God wanted us to have children we would. We left it at that and moved on. We both became busy and involved in our daily life. I was still depressed every month when it became very obvious that I wasn't pregnant. The reality that I would most likely not have a baby was becoming more and more intense, but I continued to keep busy and tried my hardest to put it out of my mind. 

As I look back and remember everything that was going on back then, I think that I tried to stay busy and convince myself that I wasn't upset about not being able to conceive (even though inside I was falling apart) because I didn't want to doubt God. I didn't want to be angry at Him for choosing a different path for me. I knew I needed to let go and put my faith in him, I just didn't know how to let go, nor did I want to. I wanted control over my life, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted, I wanted.

Looking back now, I can see clearly what was wrong with the whole situation, me. I wasn't doing anything except feeling sorry for myself. I wanted control, but at the same time I wanted God to help us. My faith was "supposed" to be in Him and yet I didn't pray. I pleaded but didn't truly pray nor did I thank Him for all that I did have in my life.

Several months passed and I got the call that my niece was born. I was SO excited and couldn't wait to meet her. The instant I met my sweet little niece I couldn't believe how tiny and perfect she was, I loved her instantly! My thoughts then went to the day my sister called me to tell me she was pregnant, I was so upset at myself for feeling so upset and jealous. My niece was such a blessing to my sister and to our family, but I had not even seen it that way at first. Where did this selfish person come from? I didn't like that person very much and decided that if I couldn't have a baby of my own, I sure could be the best Aunt ever!

If you missed the previous parts of this series, you can read them by clicking here:
Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3

Then, Move on to Part 5!

Have a wonderful night dear followers!

The first round of hormone shots was disappointing, but still the doctor reassured us that this was normal and to try another round. Well, we ended up doing two more rounds of the hormone shots. Each time I had TONS of eggs show up on the ultrasound and each time my result was a negative pregnancy test. After the third try the doctor was finally ready to start running tests. They scheduled me for a Hysterosalpingogram (Uterotubogram) or HSG, which in short is an x-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes. They injected this dye in and then took the x-ray. Simple yes, but painful beyond belief! I screamed and was doubled over for about an hour. Some women have no problems, some have mild cramps afterwards, but me, I had serious intense pain unlike anything I'd ever felt before. They had suggested taking some pain medication before we arrived and I did, but it didn't even touch this pain!

I got over the pain, it went away after another hour. The point of the whole test was to see if there was something abnormal with my uterus or to see if I had an abnormality or blockage in the fallopian tubes. Sometimes, though the injection of the dye will actually unblock the fallopian tubes. When the results came back they were encouraging but disappointing as well. I was perfectly normal in there, nothing blocked or abnormal. So, once again, why wasn't I able to conceive?

I know what your thinking by now, what about your husband? Well, that was the next step. He went in to get his "stuff" checked out as well. Same results, encouraging but disappointing. There was nothing wrong with his baby making material and yet we still weren't able to conceive a baby. This just wasn't making ANY sense!

Around the time we found out there was nothing physically hindering us from having a baby, my sister called to tell me she was pregnant. As happy as I was to become an Aunt, I was equally as upset about my own inability to have a baby. I tried so hard to be cheerful with her on the phone and choked back the tears that began fill my eyes as I talked to her. Through the whole conversation all I wanted to do was hang up and crawl in a hole. Maybe this was a sign, maybe I wasn't meant to have babies, maybe my internal turmoil would be worth it, maybe I was meant for even bigger things. At least, I hoped there was a reason.

Did you miss the previous Parts to the story? Follow the links below to catch up:
Click here for Part 1!
Click here for Part 2!

Continue reading Becoming a Mother Part 4! Then on to Part 5!

Have a great day dear followers!

I was very excited to start Trying To Conceive (TTC). Yes, I admit it was fun and I was giddy at the thought that one day I would have a precious baby in my arms. I starting tracking my temperature in the mornings and figuring out my optimal ovulation time. I even bought those sticks they make now that you pee on and they are supposed to tell you when you are ovulating.

Months passed, nothing. Every pregnancy test came back negative. I was disappointed, but understood that I was at a very busy point in my life and perhaps all the activity and stress was just preventing it. Well, months turned into a couple years of nothing. I had no idea that it would be so hard for me to have a baby. After the first year, it started getting to me a little. By the second year it was getting to me a lot.

My husband and I decided we needed help. We went to a doctor that specialized in reproduction and fertility. I was young, healthy, fit, the doctor was very positive that I would get pregnant, no problem. The first stage was hormone shots to help me produce eggs and ovulate. A couple days before I was supposed to ovulate they scheduled me for an ultrasound. I about fell off the table when they said I had about 9 follicles with eggs ready to burst. In my head I was thinking, With that many eggs I will definitely get pregnant and maybe even have TWINS! I was beyond happy... Until the day I took the pregnancy test, it was negative again. I was crushed, I felt like someone took a two by four to my heart. I just didn't understand why it didn't work, why wasn't I getting pregnant?

Missed Becoming A Mother Part 1? Click here to read it!
Click Here to Read Part 3!
Click Here to Read Part 4!
Click Here to Read Part 5! 

Have a wonderful day dear followers!
Kelsey

Deciding to become a mother and bringing a new life into this world should take a lot of thought and consideration. This is serious stuff, once you are a mother YOU are responsible for another person, a person that YOU created (with the help of a man and of course God). One would think that it would be easy to have a baby, especially when there are television shows called "16 and Pregnant" or "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant". I'm not going to lie, I thought it would be easy: Think about it, discuss it, make the decision, have a romantic night with the husband, and out pops the joy of your lives in 9 months. Right? WRONG! Well, maybe that is how it happens for some people, but not me.

There was a time when I feared that I would never be able to get pregnant. I was so sad, depressed, and anxiety ridden. I can admit that now, but I didn't dare talk about it then. I am a woman, I was built to have babies, women have been having babies since, well, FOREVER! Why was it so hard to conceive? Didn't God love me? Didn't He want me to be happy? Didn't He know that I could raise a baby to be a good person? Was God punishing me for the choices I had made in my life? All these thoughts and more bombarded my head every time I the results of a pregnancy test read negative.

I've put together this little blog series, Becoming A Mother, to encourage other women and to tell my story.

Click here for Part 2!
Click here for Part 3!
Click here for Part 4! 
Click here for Part 5!

Have a Wonderful night dear Followers!